hand on kerchief

that comes to shake me upside down, by the ankles.
WTF IS WRONG with me?
I dont understand my insides, any corner of thinking, feeling, emotion
within.
All I thought I wanted fades away,
and what I thought I wasn't, appeals to me in such a real way.

What is that?
Am I a hypocrite prick, preaching about immediacy as well as I protest
against long-term self deprecation.
Fuck that.
This is me,
I have an addictive personality,
I am obsessive and compulsive,
I have no tact,
I am not attached to anything real,
I judge,
I want dark things that shine.
I am evil, dark, mean, awful awful.


What if that is all that really attracts me to someone?
maybe that's what I am.
Maybe I will end up somewhere in the streets one day.
This has not been a good day.

The only good thing in my life doesn't really want me in that way, I suppose.

Jeez.
fuck this.

of utter absence i finally have decided to exploit Livejournal.
Hmmm, how many friends lost, how many new ones rising in the horizon.
Good to know I'm not alone in days like these.
Leonore broke up with me two and a half weeks ago.
I lost my appetite and lost eight pounds almost immediately--had no idea my body would shut down like that.
So, it's clear that no I didn't want that. I still love her, I'm still in love.
All this fasting, seeing other people, surrounding myself with friends, etc.
has really allowed me to identify myself among all those others i was during all that time together. Talking to Scuffy helped me so much, using her words i would say:
I have learned who I am, not only as your partner or lover,
but who I really am,
Whom you fell in love with,
someone whom I loved,
I have changed."
I can feel myself changing even now.
I hope this becomes more prominent in my life


by the way, risd is really helping: